Balance

Many of my readers have encouraged me to leave guilt behind.  There's no question they are absolutely, unequivocally right, and when I look at it in a logical moment, I am proud of what I've done for my baby.  Part of the reason I write this blog, though, is to acknowledge that new moms often face powerful emotions that defy logic and influence decisions.  Guilt, in particular, arises out of the perceived trade-off between one's self-interest and one's child's interests.  Before I was a parent, for the most part, I was the only one who experienced the consequences of my actions, good or bad.  But as a parent, there's someone else--someone whose future is in your hands, and someone who you love more than you ever loved anything before or ever thought you could--who experiences them too.

This perceived trade-off permeates big decisions and trivial ones alike.  For example, do you feed your baby formula or breastfeed him despite serious inconvenience, difficulty, or pain?  Do you take a few moments for yourself while your toddler watches TV, or do you sit down to read him a book?  Do you take him to a playgroup even though you're not big on socializing with other parents?  Do you put him in a better school much further out of your way?  Do you dip into your retirement money to send him abroad to study? The happiest families are probably great at finding a balance of sacrifice and self-care, and finding solutions that are win-win for parent and child.

In this way, my experience with breastfeeding has been the ultimate crash course in parenting.

Humbled by a milk supply struggle

In a previous post, I talked about how it is easy to see why milk supply can be such a concern for new moms.  But recently, I've gained new perspective and been humbled by a supply problem of my own.

After dropping to three pumps per day a few months ago, my supply dropped, and I started dipping into my  freezer stash.  I had envisioned that by age one, Sam would reduce his milk intake in favor of solids.  To the contrary, he's thirstier than ever.  Then a few weeks ago, I got hit with a nasty cold and suffered another drop.  I decided to up pumps to try to increase supply.  A week went by, then two, without an increase; meanwhile, we were topping off bottles with cow's milk left and right.  I started to feel like throwing in the towel and just letting him have 75/25 or 50/50 human/cow--and feeling pretty bad about it right after my post deriding cow's milk for babies.  You get to a point--and I remember this from the early days--where you start changing the story you tell yourself about how important breast milk is, and guilt rears its head, too.  One minute you've convinced yourself it's totally fine, and another you are reading a study showing a correlation between extended breastfeeding and intelligence.  It's so not fun, and gives me new respect for moms who persevere despite supply issues.

In the end, the milk ticked up, but only after three weeks of trying.

Guilt

Many mothers I talk with about baby feeding mention the guilt they felt when they could not, did not, or had to stop breastfeeding. (One or two of my regular readers will say they did not feel guilty, but sadly, they are in the minority.)  It makes sense: most moms understand breast milk is the healthiest choice, so we set our hearts on it, and if it doesn't work, we feel like we've failed our babies.

We are told that "breast is best," but we aren't all able to do what's "best," for reasons I've already talked about--first, the problems that can occur with breastfeeding, and second, the lack of help to solve them.  To me, this is like to telling someone to build a house without providing blueprints, skilled help, or materials. 

Maybe the message "breast is best" is in itself flawed, as this article points out.  It suggests that "breast is normal" might be better.  But for this to be true, breastfeeding would have to become the new norm--and the only way that can happen is through the information and support that will set new moms up for success.  (This article also points out that, interestingly, formula-fed babies, rather than breastfed babies, are the control groups in most studies.)

Meanwhile, we should remind ourselves that none of this is easy, and that a mother's love isn't diminished by what she feeds her baby.